A Middle Schooler with a Crush

From middle school on I had this idea in my head that I was going to date and marry a girl I had known since kindergarten. It was because I liked Spiderman and I had decided I too was going to fall in love with and get my "Mary Jane" at the end of the movie.

And now, as I'm writing this I realize that is when my "main character" trauma started.

What is main character trauma you ask? Well it's when you are convinced, and I mean CONVINCED that your life is like the Truman show and you are the main character and that everyone cares about you and your life and your story. The trauma part comes in when you realize you're feeling feelings or thinking thoughts that could be scripted in a movie for the main character but aren't necessarily real life thoughts or feelings you're actually having. For example, while I did get to take my Mary Jane to the senior prom, she went off and started her life in a different direction and we never spoke much after high school.

Through the lens of my main character trauma you'd think that story doesn't exactly have a happy ending. I didn't get the girl! I should be able to wallow in self pity and loathing because that is what would happen if my life were a movie and I were the main character. But, my life is not a movie, and in the grand scheme of society I am not the main character.

I sucked my first dick in first grade. Boom, there's a hook if I ever wrote one. And despite my being raised in church and being taught right and wrong in a biblical context regarding same sex attraction I still sucked that dick. The next dick I sucked I think was in third grade? Maybe, I don't know 30 something years later those early lustful childhood encounters are all a blur.

What I do know is, wow, yeah, elementary school is crazy early for having actually done something gay. Like, as a first grader I had no idea that what I was doing was wrong; well maybe I did, because it's not like I ran home and told my parents this cool new thing I did... but I really think that early of a "choice" kinda (for me) proves the whole are you born with it or is it a choice thing.

I have so much more context of those early years I could write about but I want to save that for another post because that tangent is not the motivation for starting this. I heard a homosexual sex therapist once describe how coming out of the closet or finally accepting one's sexuality late in life means that as far as relationships go it's kind of like taking a mental and emotional trip back to middle school.

As a rational 35 year old I know how to set boundaries (maybe not always keep them). I know how to communicate things I like or don't like. I know how to process through complicated feelings and separate them from my day to day. But now, on the brink of finally coming to terms with being gay and not having shame about that, any feelings I have caught for someone takes me right back to middle school.

I am like a child pining after someone and then I'm depressed for days when those feelings aren't reciprocated. One such encounter has me all in a tizzy lately so I decided to take it back to middle school angsty processing and write an anonymous blog on the internet that no one will read.

This is me, a middle school gay boy processing feelings.

So the boy. Write another hook?

I have recently learned (or rather more likely come to terms with) the fact that I am like to be DOMINATED (haha) Don't ask me to go into much more detail on that (now) but I like to be told I'm a "good boy" and even being a little tied up is nice. I think it stems from the fact that being in the closet I have had to control so many aspects of my life to paint this picture for everyone of who I am that when I'm being a sub in the bedroom I'm giving up that control to someone else and in a paradoxical way I am being freed.

So I met this boy on Grindr (as one does). He is amazingly hot, gives me goosebumps and tingles in all the right places and instantly I think, wow this MAN is way out of my league. But despite that self hatred, we talk and hit it off and he comes over. After we hooked up that first time I learned that he's MARRIED to another man.

Well, I am no home wrecker so we talked at length about it. He tells me that his partner knows that he can't fulfill his husbands kinks and is ok with him exploring the apps so long as he is discrete and they never talk about it. - Wow as I write that I'm seeing what a red flag that should have been at the time, but no, of course I was thinking with my dick -

So we continue talking. A few weeks later he comes over a second time and ties me up and makes me cum, but this time the orgasms were not mutual. I wasn't even really able to get him hard. While he assured me that this had nothing to do with me, I'm smart enough to know that he wasn't that in to me. So we fell out and I was able to forget about him.

Cut to like a YEAR later of having not talked to him and he hits me up out of the blue of all places but on snapchat (face palm). We exchange the normal pleasantries of catching up on the last few months and he drops the bomb on me that he and his husband of SIX YEARS have decided to separate.

Now, before I go too much deeper I have to express (and while I know you don't know me, I need you take this next part at my word) that I had no intentions of trying to date this newly single man of my dreams. Being still mostly in the closet I wouldn't even know where to start on being in a gay relationship. To the few friends that do know I'm gay and ask for when I will officially come out I always tell them that "I'll come out for the right person." So now there is even more added pressure to actually starting a relationship with anyone. My continued talking to this man after being told that he was single had purely platonic intentions.

I need MORE gay friends here. I figure that if I do ever come out officially I'll need a tribe of non-judgmental like minded people that won't give two fucks and will be there for me for the inevitable fall out. So as I'm talking to him and trying to console this new big change in his life I was looking for new ways to actually pursue him in friendship and nothing more.

Especially after our last one night stand where I wasn't "doing" it for him I was completely ok and resolved to the idea of just being friends with this man. As it so happened some of those close inner circle people who already know my predilection to having a dick in my mouth were coming in town the next week so I invited him with no pressure to come out with us.

To my surprise he accepted, and he actually showed up to the bar to see me and my friends the next week. Come to find out that hours before coming out with us he came home to an empty house as it was also the day that was set for his partner to move out. So as I could only imagine, he was feeling heavy and just needed a light hearted night out with friendly people.

The night was actually amazing!! Top 10 gay nights of my life (non-sexual of course). We hugged at the end of the night and made mention of doing it again and continuing our new friendship.

Cut to the drive home and I am SPIRALING... I mean full on middle school girl catching feelings for him. So. Dumb. In my rational matured heterosexual brain I knew, I KNEW that he was just ending a SIX YEAR relationship and no matter who you are or who you love that transitional period is going to take time to heal. Even if it was mostly mutual. So I squelched those feelings down and was determined just to be his friend.

Over the next few weeks we texted and HIS TEXTING SUCKED. I'd say something or ask something and he'd respond right away. He was mostly friendly but short; definitely giving the vibe that he wasn't in the mood to talk. And after each time of reaching out I'd suggest we meet up or go out for drinks. And while he was responding almost instantly through all of our conversation any time I made mention of hanging out he'd disappear.

That of course made me self conscious and I started to think that maybe I hadn't done a good enough job of convincing him that I just wanted to be his friend. So I'd wait a few days, try again and keep it really light and be sure to mention specifically that I just wanted his friendship and the pattern would go on. He'd respond to my messages within minutes but then I'd say "lets hang out" and he'd stop talking to me. What the HELL.

Now, benefit of the doubt, he's going through a lot so I should shut the fuck up and leave this man alone. So that's what I did. For three weeks I didn't try to text him again. But here is where my stupid middle school self was fucked up. Almost daily, I'd stalk his instagram or his facebook for new posts and then I would be in a depressive stupor that he wasn't texting me first or trying to be my friend. I am a COMPLETE idiot.

I didn't like who I was, I didn't like how I was feeling. This needed to stop. Other than being a horrible text-er he had done NOTHING wrong. -Wow as I'm writing that and really coming to terms with that truth, that "he had done nothing wrong" I'm realizing how crazy I'm being. See!! Blogging like an angsty middle school girl DOES help! - My feelings are my own, he didn't do anything to make them happen (other than be sexy as FUCK and not reciprocate my feelings) and I KNOW I have complete control over my feelings.

So I texted him one last time. Kept it real light, offered to at the very least just have a FaceTime call with him (that way he'd know that I wasn't looking for a hook up).

He responded A MINUTE later questioning why I chose a FaceTime call, and I explained that it had been weeks since I last saw him and we talked and that it would be nice. An hour goes by. Another hour; and still nothing.

So I texted him this: "I'd really like a friend like you as I've enjoyed the times we talk, but I'm getting the sense that it's not a good time for that. If that changes please let me know :)"

Light airy, non threatening, totally owning to notion that I know I'm being a pest and maybe pushing a friendship with him too soon. And I knew for my own mental health I needed to cut him out. If he came back into my life then maybe it would be at the right time. So I sent that text. Waited an hour, got no response from him and I deleted his number, deleted the text thread and unfollowed him on social media. It was time to move on...

But THEN, two hours (TWO FUCKING HOURS) after I sent that and removed him digitally he responds with this: "😍😍😍"

WHAT. IN. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

What does that even mean? "...Yeah, you're right... it's not a good time, thank you for understanding I'll talk to you in a year..." WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I was furious (as you can tell). And felt like that now he was playing games so I didn't respond. Maybe he wasn't playing games as I am the only one that is feeling any feelings (didn't I say I was just trying to be his friend...) So I needed to stop. I just needed to remove myself from this because I was going to say something dumb or be mean or whatever middle schoolers do when they have crushes. So I just didn't respond.

The next day was better, not having his number or a text history with the temptation to text him starting another new disappointing conversation was gone. Not being able to stalk him on social media was going to start helping me to forget.

God this is long. I didn't mean for this to be so long. If you are actually still reading this I am soooo sorry for how long this is. (things I've never said in the bedroom)

That next Saturday... (DUN DUN DUN)

My ONLY gay friend here falls in love with a boy HE met on Grindr (as one does). The tragic part of that story -which I won't go into because this is already wayyyy too long- is that this new boy is moving out of state in like days. So gay bestie is sad and trying to find ways to spend time with him.

I suggest (doubting gay bestie will accept) that we all go out to a gay bar I favor and have been to like 3 times (the same bar my crush came out to after his divorce that night with my California friends) and we all just have a great night. He dared me to invite this boy I was newly talking to on Tinder and we set it up. Plans were made invites were sent.

Did I mention that the boy from the beginning of this story is into pup play? Yeah too many details too little time. COME. TO. FIND. OUT. This Bar on THE LAST SATURDAY OF THE MONTH has "pup themed" nights. Lovely.

We get there, we're drinking, having a few laughs... and 2 hours into us being there IN WALKS THAT BOY.

My heart sank, I literally dipped down and hid. Have I mentioned I'm an idiot? Gay bestie and his new Grindr boyfriend are telling me that I should go talk to him. Heels dug in, absolutely NOT! The ball is in HIS court. If he wants to be my friend, he'd let me know.

I'm waiting in line for a drink (totally keeping him in my peripheral vision the WHOLE time... because I'm a creep) and he clocks me. I very stealthily didn't make eye contact and just continued to wait in line to order my drinks.

Then... bzz bzz. I get a text message (after I saw him pull out his phone)

What do I do?! I didn't react, I didn't even pull out my phone. Even though I wanted to rip it out of my pocket and respond. I knew it was him texting me. But hell, he makes me wait HOURS for a text response, he can wait until I've gotten my drinks. So I get my drinks, make my way back to my friends and pull out my phone. Yup, text from HIM. What does it say you ask?!

Ready for this? ARE YOU FUCKING READY FOR THIS?

"What are you up to?"

BITCH I know you saw me, don't try me right now!

So I played the game (like an idiot middle schooler) and said "I'm out with some friends"

Stupid. I should have called him RIGHT THE FUCK OUT and been like, "I'm at the same bar you are you stupid idiot" but no... no I didn't, and maybe it was for the best.

Realizing, that if I did want to work up the courage and go talk to him I probably shouldn't be so coy; so I amended with a follow up text saying, "Actually at a pup night at this bar, we got here 2 hours ago and didn't even know it was a pup night until pups started showing up"

He says, "Yes, I've been here lol, by the pool tables"

And I just said (cuz I'm an IDIOT and apparently into playing games) "woof"

THEN he says, "Come say hi"

... ... ... ... (that is my brain not functioning)

I waited a full 45 minutes before I worked up the courage to go talk to him. I wanted to smack him. I wanted to yell at him! I wanted him to know how he makes me crazy, or rather that I'm choosing to feel crazy because of him. But I kept my cool and went to talk to him.

I was tipsy, the bar was getting SUPER crowded and I was ready to leave. So I needed to make it happen and thought at the end of the night would be the best time because I can just say "welp I'm taking off have a good night"

The conversation with him (and his two other friends) was surprisingly mundane. He iterated that YES he'd love to hang out... to which I wanted to ask, "then why do you disappear every time I try to plan something" but I decided to keep it light and just say, "let me know when, I'm free whenever"

And that was that. The end.

But I was still feeling my feelings and thinking my thoughts and responding internally in an unhealthy way. Until I started to write this and have some breakthroughs. So, what's next? I have no idea. I don't know when we will hang out if ever. And I think now I'm really ok with that.

He's still healing from his breakup, he has his friends and his support group. And while I am HUNGRY for more friends in this community I can't put all that on him or spiral when he (as I see it) rejects me. If it happens it will happen and if not then it wont. But I have this now, so I can keep you updated (lol)

Be sure to comment your address so I can send you our save the dates for when he proposes.